Friday, September 22, 2006

The moped strikes again

Since I arrived on the Wisconsin campus nearly half a decade ago, something has bothered me. That thing is the moped.

Badger Herald photo

Mopeds are dumb. They look dumb, they sound dumb, and the person who drives the thing, without fail, does something dumb. They weave in and out of traffic at will, they use the bike lane when they're not supposed to, and I've even seen them doing more than 20 MPH on SIDEWALKS. These things are bad news. And they seem to only really be driven by two groups of people:

(1) Athletes
(2) Girls who could use the exercise walking would provide, if you know what I'm saying

Possibly worst of all, this madness has spawned one of the most obnoxious quotes ever to hit newsprint:

Starting Friday, the University of Wisconsin-Madison began charging $55 for an annual permit to park a moped on campus.

"I don't have $55 to just throw around," said Henderson, a senior, who rides a black Kymco. "I kind of feel it's a way (for the university) to make a few bucks."

No, Teri, you don't have $55 to just throw around. Apparently you have way, way, way, more than $55 to throw around. I can tell because you own a freaking moped.

The moped has already done its damage to the Wisconsin football team. A drunken moped ride critically injured DE Joe Monty, who is fortunately back and healthy.

But today the moped claimed another victim. Actually, bad decision-making claimed the guy, who really isn't much of a victim at all. But the offense did involve a moped. LB Elijah Hodge was suspended today after his arrest on Tuesday. His crime? Hopping on a moped that had been parked outside of the athletic training facilities. That moped, unfortunately, had been reported stolen.

Now, I hope that this all winds up being some sort of misunderstanding, but I'm not counting on it. When a person makes a beeline for a stolen vehicle that was parked outside the place he was just visiting, it doesn't take much dot-connecting to see what's going on.

I'm sure Elijah Hodge is a great kid and I'm sure he just slipped momentarily. Until we know for sure, we can count on the Facebook to provide us with a dozen potential views of what his mugshot might have looked like:

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